My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
