btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
