Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
