i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
