Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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