then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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