he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Randomize
