dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
