please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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