Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
