i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
