dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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