My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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