I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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