i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
