Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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