Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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