i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
