Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
