i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
