So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
