mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I will die if light touches me.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
