I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
