...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
