So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
