And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
