I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
