did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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