I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
