i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
