Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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