What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
