just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
