He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
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I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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