So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
