I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
pray to the hookup gods
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
