Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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