Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
