Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
