I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
