Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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