I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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