sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
