come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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