Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
