if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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