I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
