You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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