if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
