The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
