Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
