Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
