sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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