Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
