please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I pour the whiskey from now on
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
