I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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