Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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